If your elderly parents are moving in (or have moved in) with you and your family, there will undoubtedly be some changes that will be made and it may be difficult for everyone involved.
It can be both a joy and a challenge to have elderly parents or relatives living with you. On the one hand, it’s a chance to deepen your relationship and create new memories together.
Having my mother at home allowed me to engage with her meaningfully, listen to music, watch her favorite TV show, reminisce about her youth, and help her with puzzles. But this convenience also made me hyper-focused on her.nextavenue.org
But on the other hand, it’s important to make sure that your loved ones are comfortable and safe.
But rest assured, there are some important things that you can do to make this difficult transition easier. These following tips can also help to make your caregiving responsibilities easier too.
How To Care For Elderly Parents Or Relatives Who Are Living With You?
It can be a difficult adjustment when elderly parents or relatives come to live with you. However, there are some things you can do to make the transition easier for everyone involved.
Preparing for this adventure starts with some self-reflection. You need to be honest with yourself about whether or not you’re up for the task. This isn’t a decision to be made lightly, as it will affect your entire household.
If you haven’t yet made the decision and you now decide that you are ready to take on this challenge, there are a few things you can do to make the process go more smoothly.
- Modify the home environment to meet the current physical and/or cognitive status of your senior loved one.
- Establish sets of rules that everyone can work with. A family meeting will be in order.
- Allow the time and space needed for quality time. Fun activities that both your elderly parents (and you) can participate in.
- Create a space for everyone for that much needed alone time. After all, it’s difficult for older people to make changes in their lives.
- Set up a list of back up caregivers for when you and your family need to take a break away.
- Get all the legal documents in order. Things like a power of attorney, living will, etc.
- Find a support group to help you deal with the issues that will inevitably come up.
- Be prepared for the extra costs.
Note: If you are long-distance caregivers – read our article on how to care for your parents from a distance.
These 7 main points should help you and your older parent to adjust a bit easier to the new living situation you both find yourselves in.
Being a primary caregiver for an aging loved one is a huge commitment. Caregiving may affect your finances, health, or other relationships — or it may just be too difficult emotionally or physically. If you need a change or feel you’re giving up your life to care for elderly parent, it doesn’t mean you’re being selfish or uncaring.Aplaceformom.com
Okay, so let’s go over a summary of each of these 8 points that I am making and then go into some more detail later on in this article.
1. Modifying The Home Environment
The first set of important decisions usually involves making physical changes to the home environment. What I mean by this is making the physical changes in your home to accommodate your parents’ physical and/or cognitive limitations.
This could include things like…
- Ramps if your parents use a wheelchair (read about how to choose a wheelchair here)
- Widening doorways to accommodate mobility devices such as wheelchairs and scooters
- Installing a walk in tub or restructuring the shower to make it easier and safer to use
- Adding stair treads to your staircase or installing a stair lift
- Removing area rugs, making the floor less slippery, etc. Here’s our Senior Guide To The Best Flooring For Aging In Place.
- Adding / Installing monitoring type of devices (if needed) such as the Smart Caregiver® Floor Mat! It’s a flat mat that can be placed on the floor, by the bed. It plugs into an outlet and when stepped on, it can turn on the light in the room AND notify you (the caregiver) that your elderly loved one has gotten up. Of course, if they fall onto the mat – it will notify you as well.
Any other physical changes will depend on the seniors’ health care needs. Even if they are in good health now, you want to prepare as much as possible for what the future may bring.
I would recommend to get an Occupational Therapist (OT) to come in and give you a full home assessment to give you a guideline and recommendations on what would be needed in your home to make it safer and easier for your parents.
And by the way, the OT can also give you recommendations for personal care issues as well. They can assess how much care (or how much help) your elderly parent(s) need.
This is very helpful especially if your parents are dealing with dementia, Alzheimer’s disease or other medical conditions.
2. Establishing Sets Of Rules
All families (and most all people) function better when there are sets of rules to follow. Knowing your role and duties within your own family not only helps you (and your parents) to feel like a contributing partner to the group – but it also leads to a more fulfilling lifestyle.
When caring for elderly parents, you may find that the roles and responsibilities you once had have shifted. You are now responsible for their safety and well-being, and this can be a daunting task.
It’s so important to remember that your parents are people too, and they need to feel like they have a role within the family. Just because they are getting older doesn’t mean they should be treated like children.
They should still have a say in what goes on and how things are done. This is why it’s critical to establish sets of rules together as a family. This way, everyone is on the same page and knows what is expected of them.
Some things you may want to consider when setting rules are: –
- Curfew for visitors
- Limits on drinking and smoking
- Housekeeping duties
- Financial contributions
- It’s also important to be flexible
As your parents get older, their needs will change and you may need to adjust the rules accordingly. The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open so that you can all work together to make everyone comfortable and happy.
3. Include Time For Fun
If your parents are engaged in specific hobbies, I would encourage you to do your best to accommodate for those activities in your home. I would also recommend to include some fun family activities weekly or so and include your elderly parents in the event.
4. Space For Everyone
Most everyone needs some time alone – to reflect and to rest. If you can create that space for every person in the family, it should help to decrease stress and tension which can happen wherever there are groups of people involved.
You also want to acknowledge that your parents may feel they are giving up their own lives, their independent living. Making changes is usually a very difficult thing for older people. They will need time to adjust and having their own space can help them with that.
5. Asking For Help
The one thing that I do want to stress in this article is the importance of using your community to help you. What I mean is that you should not go into this alone.
Caregiver burnout is very real and it’s very important to care for your own health. Sometimes you can even feel like you are giving up your life to care for your elderly parent.
This is the time to use your family, your close friends, your church, etc. I have personally been through major trauma in my life and what I learned is that people DO want to help you – they just don’t know how. So, don’t be shy – ask for help.
Some of the respite care options that are available for caregivers include:
- Hiring a home health aide to help with bathing, dressing, grooming, and toileting
- Working with a geriatric care manager to develop a care plan
- Utilizing adult daycare services
- Taking advantage of respite care services offered by your local Area Agency on Aging
- Asking family and friends to take turns staying with your loved one so you can have a break
You may also want to consider contacting a geriatric care manager. This person can help you with everything from home care services to finding social activities for your parents.
6. Get Those Legal Documents In Order
Even if your parents aren’t moving in with you, I strongly recommend that you get all the legal documents in order that will make caring for them easier. Here’s a comprehensive list of 17 essential documents you will need.
7. Search For Local Caregiver Support Groups
There usually are quite a few. One resource you can check is Powerful Tools for Caregivers – they are not in every state but they do offer classes that can help you especially if you are at the beginning stages of caregiving.
More adults these days find themselves becoming a caregiver for a family member, especially as the older demographic continues to grow. According to the Family Caregiver Alliance, 85% of caregivers look after a relative or other loved one, and 42% of them care for a parent.Seniorlifestyle.com
8. Be Prepared For The Costs
Caregiving for an elderly loved one can be a rewarding experience, but it can also be costly. If you’re not prepared for the extra costs associated with caregiving, you may find yourself struggling to make ends meet.
Here are a few tips to help you budget for the added expenses of caregiving:
- Make sure you understand the medical insurance your senior loved one is enrolled in. Know what is covered and what isn’t, so you can plan for out-of-pocket costs.
- Set aside money for incidentals. In addition to your loved one’s regular expenses, you’ll also need to budget for incidentals like transportation, incontinence supplies, mobility aids, etc.
- Your utility bills will probably be higher. Electricity, water, etc.
- Grocery bills for food as well as household supplies such as toilet paper, paper towels, laundry detergent, etc. will most likely also be higher.
- Cost of hiring help. If you’re struggling to handle everything on your own, you may have to consider hiring in-home care assistance. This can be costly, but it can also free up your time so you can focus on other aspects of your life.
- Make sure you have ample sick days. If you’re employed, it’s important to make sure you have enough sick days saved up in case you need to take time off to care for your loved one.
A 2020 AARP study found 61% of caregivers to adults were employed, and the majority had experienced at least one work-related impact. Most commonly that meant being late to work, having to leave early or taking time off, but caregivers also reported having to take unpaid leave or reduce their hours. One in 10 working caregivers quit or retired early.cleveland.com
Speak to your employer about what benefits they may offer and also look into the FMLA program.
By following these tips, you can be better prepared for the extra costs of caregiving. Remember to budget for incidentals, hire help if needed, and take care of yourself to avoid burnout. With a little planning, you can make caring for an elderly loved one a bit easier on both you and your wallet.
Knowing that you will need to address each of these 8 major areas and preparing for them will help you and your senior parents to make caring for them in your own home much easier.
How Do You Take Care Of Aging Parents?
In addition to what I mentioned above – there are other factors that I want to mention when it comes to helping you to take care of your aging parents.
These other issues involved in caring for senior citizens in your home have to do with…
- Medical issues – Certainly not all, but most elderly adults require medical care. It could be as mild as taking one or two medications a day or as severe as requiring professional nursing care daily.
- Emotional issues – Depression is common in the elderly. As our parents age, they may become withdrawn and even seem to become “mean.” Part of this is due to the physical changes going on in their bodies. They may be experiencing pain that they can no longer do anything about. Also, the social interaction that they used to have on a daily basis may now be gone.
- Financial issues – So many more adults are living longer than they anticipated. As a result many have not saved the amount of monies they need. Also, the primary caregiver show know what financial resources are available for them and their parents and certainly how to access them.
- Physical needs – Many elderly suffer from some health issues and some form of physical decline whether it’s difficulty walking, poor upper body strength, poor flexibility, poor vision, etc.
- Cognitive limitations – About 1 out of every 9 adults over 65 years of age has some form of cognitive decline. It could be as mild as simply forgetting a name or an event or as severe as being unable to form sentences.
Senior care requires more patience than you ever thought you had – at least that’s how I felt when I was caring for my elderly mother. It was an hourly test that I didn’t always pass!
I want to address the points that I mentioned earlier in a bit more detail to help you if you are in the position of having to care for your aging parents.
When it comes to helping your parents with medical issues – there are some tools that you can use to help you.
- Scheduling – use ONE thing to schedule medications, medical appointments, etc. What I mean is use ONE calendar, or ONE app on your phone, etc. By keeping everything in one place – you and your elderly parent will find it easier to remember and stick to a daily routine. I personally use Google Calendar and I have that calendar on my phone as well as on my Amazon Echo Show. I get beeped and buzzed by my phone and my Echo Show when an event on my calendar is coming up.
- Medication Reminders – if your parent is cognitively aware and able to be responsible to take their own medications – there are some tools that they can use to help them to remember. After all, we can all use a little help now and then, right? I can recommend something as simple as a weekly pill organizer (I use a similar one like this myself for my morning vitamins). I also use my Alexa device to remind me if I have to take an extra supplement or medication during the day.
- Medication Services – these days it seems you can get just about anything ranging from food to cars delivered to your home. Well, medication delivery services are one of those that can greatly help to save you time. PillPack is an Amazon service that takes away the need for having to go to the pharmacy to pick up or refill a prescription. You can’t beat the price – the service and shipping are both free. You only pay the regular insurance copay, just like you if you went to the pharmacy.
- Ridesharing Services – there may be times when you can’t take the time or don’t have the vehicle to take your elderly parent(s) to the doctor. This is when a ridesharing service like Uber or Lyft can help. Both Uber and Lyft provide wheelchair service (although they are only in limited cities at the moment). I personally know some friends who have used a ridesharing service to get their parent TO the doctor where they were met by a family member to be with them throughout the doctor’s appointment.
The point here is that there are multiple tools and methods that you can use to help you and your senior parent(s) make life just a little bit easier and safer.
Sometimes emergencies pop up, so it’s best to be prepared before they do. For a quick overview, read our article, Emergency Guardianship Of An Elderly Parent.
In addition to the physical help you may need to provide, you also need to be prepared for the emotional needs that the care of elderly parents can bring. Here are some things to keep in mind:
- Your role has reversed. It can be difficult to see your parent as someone who needs your help. After all, they were the ones who took care of you when you were a child. Accepting this new role can take time, but it’s important to remember that your parent is still the same person – they just need a little extra assistance now.
- You might feel guilty. You might feel like you’re not doing enough or that you should be doing more. Remember that you’re only human and you can only do so much.
- You might be dealing with difficult emotions. Caring for elderly parents can be stressful and frustrating. You might find yourself feeling angry, sad, or even resentful. It’s important to find a support system – whether it’s friends, family, or a professional – to help you deal with these emotions.
- You need to take care of yourself, too. It’s easy to get so wrapped up in caring for your parent that you forget to take care of yourself. But if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of your parent. Make sure to schedule time for yourself – even if it’s just a few minutes a day. And don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends and family.
I won’t even count the number of friends and family that I have that are dealing with difficult financial issues with their elderly loved ones. The main reasons are that their elders didn’t expect to live as long as they have and they didn’t expect that their expenses would be as high as they currently are.
In other words – they spent way more than they saved and now they are in a pickle! The unfortunate thing is that this now involves their adult children who are caring for them.
So, how can you care for aging parents when they have run out of funds? Well, there are some things you can do.
I actually wrote an article on that topic not too long ago titled What To Do With Aging Parents Who Have No Money? You can find some useful information there but I’ll outline some tips here on what you can do if you find yourself in this situation.
- Have a serious sit down conversation with your parents (if they are able to do that with you). I would recommend to do this with other family members and with a financial planner too. They can help answer your financial questions and also provide possible solutions to your particular situation.
- Make sure to have all the information about what your parents owe, what they have and more importantly, what they can sell. Make no bones about it – some things will have to be sold in order to raise cash.
- Make a list of what income is being received (pensions, investments, social security, etc.)
- This is when family and siblings should all come together to help out with the situation. This is not something that is solely on your shoulders (so don’t be a martyr).
- Look into any programs in your state and community that you may be able to take advantage of.
Now, please don’t take this the wrong way but I have personally seen many great advantages to using Hospice as a program that can greatly benefit older adults.
I know what you are probably saying to yourself, “My parents aren’t THAT sick that they need hospice!”.
All I can tell you is that my mother cleaned her own home, including vacuuming, cooked all her meals, took care of herself until 2 days before she died and she was on Hospice for several months. Yes, she had a terminal illness but she didn’t appear ill or weak. She needed oxygen, yes but that didn’t stop her.
Hospice cost us nothing and honestly when my social worker friend suggested it to us we responded very much like you probably responded. My friend simply said “It won’t hurt to get her evaluated – costs you nothing but a little time.” We were surprised to find out that my mother qualified and we truly are in great debt to all the wonderful work they did for us and my mother.
Everyone will have different physical needs. Some seniors need help with walking, others need help getting in and out of bed, others have trouble standing for more than 5 minutes, etc. There are a large variety of physical problems that can occur as our bodies grow older and each one of these could require a different set of tools or help.
In this article I’ll go over some of the most common issues but of course, if you have a specific question concerning your elderly parent(s) and their physical needs – go ahead and click here to ask us your question – we’ll do our best to help.
Falling – a very common problem (and fear) that elderly have is that of falling. Whether it’s falling out of bed, or falling in the shower or anywhere else – it’s an issue that needs to be addressed BEFORE an injury occurs due to a fall. We’ve written extensively on this topic so feel free to look through our archive of articles related to elderly falling for help.
- What Are The Most Common Causes Of Falls In The Elderly?
- How To Keep The Elderly From Falling Out Of A Wheelchair
- 7 Simple Winter Fall Prevention Tips For Seniors
- Slippers For Elderly To Prevent Falls
- Fall Safety Tips For Seniors
- Kitchen Fall Prevention For Seniors
- How To Fall Proof A Home For Elderly Parents
- 9 Products To Help Prevent Seniors From Falling Out Of Bed
Problems with mobility – what you need to do will depend on the problem(s) your parent is having. If they are in need of using a cane or a walker or a wheelchair then the environment they live in will need to be modified to accommodate for whatever tool they will be using.
Need to use a cane – If it’s a cane – I would recommend to remove any lace cut rubber mats that many homeowners have by their front and back doors. (The tip of the cane can easily get stuck in these).
Need to use a walker – walkers require a little coordination and space to be used safely. I would recommend to make sure that the living areas that your parent will be walking through with their walker be cleared of clutter. Also, measure the width of the walker to make sure that it can fit safely through a doorway, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, etc.
Need to use a wheelchair – for safe wheelchair access, doorways and hallways need to be at least 32 inches wide to accommodate a wheelchair. Also, check the width of the bathroom as well to make sure that once they are in the bathroom, that they can maneuver back out. You may also want to look into portable wheelchair ramps.
Using a bathtub – some seniors insist on using a bathtub versus a shower. This is fine as long as they can get in and out of the bathtub safely. If this is the case with your elderly parent(s) then I do strongly recommend to install safety grab bars.
Once you decide which type of grab bar (horizontal or vertical) works best for your family, you need to figure out where to place the grab bar in the bathtub or shower area.
You should position the grab bars in places where it will be comfortable for the user. This means it could be installed vertically, horizontally or at an angle.
I recommend three grab bars surrounding the bathtub area:
- One at the entrance to the bathtub
- One along the side wall of the bathtub
- One by the faucet handle
Another option (albeit an expensive one) for “bathtubers” is the installation and use of a walk in tub. We wrote an article on the topic of walk In tubs (read it here) and it will help you to make the decision if it’s worth it and what type you could get for your particular situation.
Using the shower – for those older adults who are fine using a shower there are still some safety features that should be looked at. As an Occupational Therapist I treated many seniors who had injuries due to a fall in the shower so please remember, it only takes 1 second for an injury to occur!
I would recommend the installation of grab bars again and you can see where and what type to place in the shower in the article mentioned above on the different types of grab bars.
I would also strongly recommend the use of a shower chair and/or shower bench. There are many different varieties you can choose from depending on the physical needs of your senior parent.
There are several other products that you can use to make the shower environment safer as well and you can read about them in our article on Shower Safety. But to give you a short summary here, these products are…
- non slip floor products
- mounted pole grab bars
- strong suction cup hooks
- wall mounted shampoo and soap dispensers
- hand held shower heads
Working in the kitchen – there are many things that you can do in the kitchen in order to make it easier and safer not only for your senior parents but you for as well. Everything from decluttering the spaces to re-arranging the cabinets to adding more light in the room, etc. You can read about the entire list of the recommendations I have on making the kitchen safer here.
One thing I can add and give you information on here is on the issue of kitchen chairs. A friend’s father recently fell off his kitchen chair (which had casters) and fractured his hip. He had not had any physical problems before this incident but is now dealing with the possibility of having to use a cane or walker for the rest of his life.
So yes, you guessed it – I strongly recommend to remove any chairs with casters – chairs that move are NOT good for older adults.
I also recommend that if your elderly parent enjoys cooking but has problems standing for too long – then a kitchen stool may be very useful. Something that has a back and arm rests would work best – something like the Drive Medical Kitchen Stool should work very well.
Another recommendation that I can make for both caregivers and seniors who enjoy cooking is to enroll in a program such as Blue Apron. Getting the fresh ingredients delivered directly to your home to prepare meals for yourself and the family is very convenient and a great timesaver.
Let’s not forget that the caregivers in the home also need to be taken care of. This means a few things…
1. Establishing rules at the beginning of this new arrangement.
Now, it’s true – some rules are meant to be broken and I do believe that whatever rules you set up at the beginning, you may end up breaking them and re-working them, which is fine. Don’t expect it all to work out from the very start. Be flexible, work with each other to find the best set of rules that can work for everyone.
2. Delegating household chores.
Everyone needs to pitch in to help out with the work needed to maintain the household. Whatever your parents can do, give them the job of doing it. It could be as simple as helping you to prepare a meal as they sit at the kitchen table. Folding laundry as they sit in the recliner watching TV, organizing those photos you’ve had in those shoe boxes for the last decade, etc.
3. Everyone needs a space and time of their own.
I cannot stress how important it is for family caregivers to care for their physical and mental health. If YOU’RE not in good health, how can you possibly care for your older parents?
Getting away from responsibilities and each other is good for everyone. Spending 2 or 3 afternoons a week at the park or shopping or at the pet shelter while a friend or family member or volunteer visits with your elderly parents is something that is absolutely needed for most every caregiver.
Having your own room or outdoor porch or somewhere to get away when tensions rise and you need to step away before you say or do something you’ll regret – is extremely important for everyone.
TIP: Don’t forget to consider your spouse’s opinion about moving an elderly parent into the home so you don’t end up having to choose one over the other!
Tips For Managing The Day-To-Day Challenges Of Caring For An Elderly Person
Caring for an elderly person can be both rewarding and challenging. Here are some tips for managing the day-to-day challenges of caregiving:
- Keep a routine. Having a set schedule for meals, medications, and activities can help to provide structure and stability for both the caregiver and the care recipient.
- Be patient. Remember that your loved one may not be able to do things as quickly or easily as they used to. Try to be patient and understanding.
- Take breaks. Caring for a loved one can be emotionally and physically draining. It’s important to take breaks when needed in order to avoid burnout.
- Ask for help. Don’t try to do everything on your own. Ask other family members and friends for help with tasks such as transportation, groceries, and yard work.
- Seek support. There are many resources available to caregivers, including support groups, online forums, and counseling services. Taking advantage of these resources can help you to better cope with the challenges of caregiving.
Can I Get Paid For For Taking Care Of My Elderly Mother?
You may get paid to care for your senior parents through a service like Medicaid, but it’s not guaranteed. So, if you quit your job to be a caretaker, that means you have to find a way to make money to keep a roof over your own head and your parents’, while still helping them out.
Are You Legally Responsible For Your Elderly Parents?
In some areas of the United States and some countries, there are Filial Responsibility Laws. If you live in Puerto Rico or any of the states listed below, you may be responsible for your parents’ care. Although these laws are not often enforced – they still are the law so legally – you could be made to pay.
There are currently 29 states plus Puerto Rico that have filial responsibility laws.
- New Hampshire
- New Jersey
- North Carolina
- North Dakota
- Puerto Rico
- Rhode Island
- South Dakota
- West Virginia
Other countries such as Germany, France, Taiwan and Singapore have their own versions of a Filial Responsibility Law as well.
How Do You Deal With Difficult Elderly Parents?
This is a big problem for many older children who care for their aging parents in their home – so please know that you are not alone.
Chances are that your parents were difficult before they grew older and this of course may have affected your relationship with them. If that is the case (it certainly was in mine) then it will be difficult for you to care for them in your own home. Both you and your parents will have to come to some series of compromises in order to get through this time in your lives.
Using a counselor may help you at this point in time.
What I can advise you on, based on my experience in working with so many families and their difficult parents and also in dealing with my own difficult mother is the following:
- Realize that your parents are not intentionally trying to hurt YOU. Don’t take their anger and stubborness as a personal assault. They are hurting, they are angry and they don’t know how else to express it. Very much like a toddler who is unable to express their emotions so instead they throw tantrums and have inappropriate outbursts.
- Try to see why they are the way they are. What experiences, disappointments, regrets in their lives are they dealing with?
- Treat them as the adults that they are which means that they are responsible for their own actions and the consequences of those actions.
When I was caring for my mother I would try to help by making a meal or cleaning the dishes or the bathroom. Her responses were most often…
“You don’t know how to clean.”
“You can’t cook.”
“Don’t bother – I’ll do it – I can do it better.”
Needless to say, these were not very nice things to say. But my response was always something like…
“Well, maybe I can’t do this as well as you would like it done but I am happy with all the other great things that I can do.”
This always stopped my mother’s negative comments. Basically, I responded with a statement that showed her I really didn’t care what she thought and that I was stronger than her because I was happy with my own accomplishments.
I do hope that your situation is different and that your parent is grateful for what you are doing for them and with them as you begin this great journey of caring for your elderly parent or parents in your home.