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My Mother’s Dementia Is Killing Me: How To Cope With Stress

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Caring for an elderly adult with dementia can be overwhelming

Caring for an aging parent with dementia is a journey filled with challenges and emotions. As the primary caregiver, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, especially when witnessing the decline of someone you’ve known and loved for a long time. 

This article aims to guide part-time and full-time caregivers of older adults, particularly those whose parents have dementia, through understanding, managing, and coping with the stress that comes with their role.

Do You Grasp The Impact Of Dementia On Your Elderly Mother?

Before we begin talking about your stress and how you can help yourself (and your loved one), I want to talk a little about dementia just to make sure that you have an understanding of what is actually happening to your mother.

You may notice your elderly mother grappling with basic tasks, forgetting the faces she’s known for years, or becoming easily upset over trivial matters.

But do you truly comprehend the deep-seated changes that conditions like Alzheimer’s Disease and Vascular Dementia are inflicting on her?

Dementia isn’t merely about a lapse in short-term memory. It’s an intricate neurological disorder that encompasses a range of symptoms, from memory loss to impaired judgment and changes in behavior. 

When conditions like Alzheimer’s Disease take hold, they alter the brain’s structure and chemistry, leading to a decline in cognitive abilities. 

This means the mother you’ve always leaned on, the one who managed daily tasks with ease, remembered every birthday, and narrated tales from her past, is now confronting a reality that’s continually shifting beneath her feet.

For the first time, you might witness her asking the same questions repeatedly, showing confusion in once-familiar settings, or struggling to recognize close family members.

These aren’t willful acts or just typical signs of aging; they’re the manifestations of a disease that’s gradually eroding parts of her essence.

It’s crucial to educate yourself about dementia, especially specific types like Vascular Dementia, to provide the best care and to cultivate understanding and kindness. 

By doing so, family caregivers can traverse this challenging path with strength, ensuring your mother feels cherished, loved, and comprehended, even during her toughest days.

What Do Dementia Patients Lose First?

Dementia is a progressive neurological disorder that affects memory, thinking, behavior, and the ability to perform everyday activities.

While the progression and symptoms can vary depending on the type of dementia and the individual, there are some common early signs and symptoms that many people with dementia experience. 

Among these, the following are often the first to be affected:

  1. Short-Term Memory: One of the earliest and most common signs of dementia is difficulty with short-term memory. Individuals may forget recent conversations, misplace items frequently, or struggle to remember appointments or events that happened recently, while still recalling events from the distant past with clarity.
  2. Word-Finding Difficulty: People with early-stage dementia often struggle to find the right words during conversations. They might pause frequently, use vague or incorrect words, or describe an object rather than naming it.
  3. Difficulty Completing Familiar Tasks: Tasks that were once routine, such as preparing a meal, balancing a checkbook, or playing a familiar game, can become challenging. They may start a task and then forget the steps or become easily confused.
  4. Disorientation to Time and Place: Individuals may lose track of dates, seasons, or the passage of time. They might get lost in familiar places or forget where they are or how they got there.
  5. Decreased Judgment: There might be a decline in decision-making skills. For instance, they may make poor financial decisions or neglect personal hygiene.
  6. Mood and Personality Changes: Early dementia can bring about shifts in mood and demeanor. A person might become anxious, depressed, fearful, or easily upset, especially when out of their comfort zone.
  7. Difficulty with Spatial Skills: Visual information processing can be affected, leading to problems judging distances or determining color contrasts.
  8. Apathy or Social Withdrawal: An early sign can be a loss of interest in hobbies or activities they once enjoyed. They might avoid social interactions, become passive, or not want to go out.
  9. Repetition: Repeating questions, stories, or tasks is common as they forget they’ve just mentioned or done something.

Just so you know, many of these symptoms can also be a part of normal aging or may be caused by other conditions.

However, if they become persistent or interfere with daily life, it’s essential to seek a medical evaluation. 

Early diagnosis and intervention can help manage symptoms and improve the quality of life for individuals with dementia.

What Is The Life Expectancy Of Someone With Dementia?

The life expectancy of someone with dementia can vary widely depending on several factors, including the type of dementia, the age at diagnosis, the presence of other health conditions, and the overall quality of care received. 

Here are some general guidelines:

  1. Alzheimer’s Disease: This is the most common form of dementia. According to the Alzheimer’s Association, the average life expectancy after diagnosis is 4 to 8 years, although some individuals can live up to 20 years depending on various factors.
  2. Vascular Dementia: The second most common form of dementia, often occurring after a stroke, has a variable life expectancy. It can be as short as a few years if the vascular issues continue to worsen.
  3. Lewy Body Dementia: The life expectancy for people with Lewy Body Dementia is often similar to that of Alzheimer’s, ranging from 5 to 8 years after diagnosis.
  4. Frontotemporal Dementia: This form of dementia typically affects younger people and has a variable life expectancy, ranging from 2 to over 10 years.
  5. Mixed Dementia: When a person has symptoms of more than one type of dementia, predicting life expectancy becomes more complicated and is generally determined by the most severe condition.
  6. Early-Onset Dementia: Those diagnosed before the age of 65 often live longer than those diagnosed later in life, but they may still experience a more rapid progression of the disease.
  7. Other Health Conditions: Coexisting health conditions like heart disease, diabetes, or respiratory issues can significantly impact life expectancy.
  8. Quality of Care: Timely diagnosis, effective management of dementia symptoms, and good general healthcare can extend life expectancy and improve quality of life.
  9. Genetic Factors: Family history and genetic predispositions can also play a role in life expectancy.

What Are 3 Things To Never Do With Your Loved One With Dementia

The stress of caring for someone with dementia can be, and will be at times, overwhelming.

We strongly recommend that all caregivers of adults with dementia seek out respite help.  For your sanity and for your senior loved one.

Having said that, I do want you to know that there are certain things you should never do, they are…

  1. Argue or Correct Them: People with dementia often perceive reality differently due to their cognitive impairments. Correcting or arguing with them can cause confusion, agitation, or distress. Instead of contradicting them, it’s recommended to enter their reality and redirect the conversation or use therapeutic fibbing to avoid causing emotional distress.
  2. Overwhelm with Choices: Offering too many choices, whether it’s about food, clothing, or activities, can be overwhelming for someone with dementia. It can lead to decision-making paralysis or increased anxiety. Instead, simplify choices or make decisions on their behalf based on their past preferences and current needs.
  3. Confront or Challenge Difficult Behaviors: It’s not uncommon for individuals with dementia to exhibit challenging behaviors, such as aggression, paranoia, or wandering. Confronting or challenging these behaviors directly can escalate the situation. Instead, try to identify and address the underlying cause of the behavior, whether it’s pain, boredom, or environmental factors. Using distraction techniques or changing the environment can often help de-escalate challenging situations.

​If you can remember to avoid these 3 behaviors, you will save yourself a lot of stress and arguments.

What Makes Dementia Worse?

In addition to knowing what NOT to do with your senior loved one, it’s also important to know what may be making their dementia worse. 

Dementia is a progressive neurological condition, and while its natural course involves worsening over time, certain factors can exacerbate its symptoms or accelerate its progression. 

Here are some factors that can make dementia worse:

  1. Medications: Some medications, especially those with sedative properties or anticholinergic effects, can worsen cognitive impairment. It’s essential to review all medications with a healthcare provider to ensure they aren’t contributing to cognitive decline.
  2. Infections: Urinary tract infections (UTIs), pneumonia, and other infections can cause a sudden worsening of dementia symptoms, often before other symptoms of the infection are evident.
  3. Metabolic Imbalances: Conditions like dehydration, low blood sugar (hypoglycemia), or electrolyte imbalances can exacerbate dementia symptoms.
  4. Vitamin Deficiencies: Deficiencies in certain vitamins, especially B12 and D, can worsen cognitive function.
  5. Depression: Depression is common in people with dementia and can further impair cognitive function and overall well-being.
  6. Sleep Disorders: Poor sleep or conditions like sleep apnea can exacerbate dementia symptoms. Regular sleep is crucial for cognitive health.
  7. Sensory Impairment: Untreated vision or hearing loss can worsen confusion and disorientation in dementia patients.
  8. Environmental Factors: A sudden change in environment, such as moving to a new home or a hospitalization, can worsen symptoms. Familiar environments are comforting to those with dementia.
  9. Alcohol and Drugs: Excessive alcohol consumption or the use of recreational drugs can accelerate cognitive decline.
  10. Head Injuries: Traumatic brain injuries or repeated minor injuries can exacerbate dementia symptoms or increase the risk of developing dementia.
  11. Stress: Chronic or acute stress can worsen dementia symptoms. It’s essential to maintain a calm and structured environment for those with dementia.
  12. Other Medical Conditions: Heart disease, diabetes, thyroid problems, and other chronic conditions, if not well-managed, can contribute to the worsening of dementia symptoms.
  13. Isolation: Social isolation can lead to further cognitive decline. Regular social interaction is beneficial for those with dementia.

It’s crucial to be aware of these factors and address them promptly. Regular medical check-ups, a balanced diet, a structured routine, and a safe environment can help manage and potentially mitigate the worsening of dementia symptoms. 

If a sudden change in symptoms is observed, it’s essential to consult a healthcare provider immediately, as it could be due to a treatable condition.

The Stress Of Caregiving

Being a caregiver, especially for an older adult with dementia, is no small feat. It’s a full-time commitment, often requiring you to put your own life and needs on the back burner. 

Don’t feel guilty if you simply aren’t able to meet every demand or expectation. Caregiving can be emotionally and physically draining, and it’s essential to acknowledge and address the stress it can cause.

The role demands not only physical presence but also emotional resilience and financial preparedness.

As days turn into months and years, the weight of the responsibility can become overwhelming, affecting every aspect of the caregiver’s life.

Physical Stressors

Lack of sleep, constant phone calls, and emergency room visits can take a toll on your health. The demands of caregiving often mean irregular sleep patterns, with caregivers waking up multiple times at night to attend to the needs of their loved ones. 

Additionally, the physical strain of assisting with daily activities, such as bathing, feeding, and moving, can lead to chronic fatigue and muscle strain.

It’s not uncommon for caregivers to neglect their own health, leading to health problems like high blood pressure or even a heart attack. Regular check-ups, exercise, and proper nutrition often take a backseat, further exacerbating health issues.

Emotional Stressors

Seeing your old mother or father, who was once your pillar of strength, become dependent can be emotionally draining. The constant worry about their well-being, coupled with the grief of watching their cognitive decline, can be heart-wrenching. 

The Alzheimer’s Association highlights that many caregivers experience feelings of sadness, anger, and even guilt.

The emotional roller-coaster, from moments of deep sorrow when they don’t recognize you to fleeting moments of joy when they recall a cherished memory, can be mentally exhausting.

It’s essential for caregivers to seek emotional support, whether through therapy, support groups, or simply talking to friends and family.

Financial Stressors

Being a caregiver can strain your bank account. From medical bills to modifications in your own home for safety concerns, the costs add up. Specialized equipment, medications, and professional care services don’t come cheap. 

And if you’ve had to reduce work hours or leave a job to provide full-time care, the financial stress intensifies. The loss of a steady income combined with rising expenses can lead to significant financial strain.

It’s crucial for caregivers to explore financial assistance programs, insurance options, and community resources to help offset some of these costs.

Recognizing these stressors and seeking support can make the journey more manageable and fulfilling for both the caregiver and the loved one.

How Do I Deal With My Mom’s Dementia?

Dealing with a parent’s dementia, especially a mother’s, can be emotionally, mentally, and physically challenging.

 Here are some steps and strategies to help you navigate this difficult journey:

  1. Educate Yourself: Understanding dementia and its progression can help you anticipate challenges and address them proactively. Familiarize yourself with the symptoms, stages, and common behaviors associated with dementia.
  2. Seek Support: Connect with local or online support groups where you can share experiences and learn from others in similar situations. Organizations like the Alzheimer’s Association offer resources and support for caregivers.
  3. Establish a Routine: People with dementia often feel more comfortable and less agitated when they have a consistent routine. This can also make caregiving tasks more predictable for you.
  4. Prioritize Safety: As dementia progresses, safety becomes a concern. Consider home modifications, such as removing tripping hazards, installing grab bars, and using locks to restrict access to potentially dangerous areas.
  5. Practice Patience and Empathy: Your mom may repeat questions, forget familiar faces, or act out in unfamiliar ways. Remember that these behaviors are a result of the disease. Respond with kindness, patience, and reassurance.
  6. Communicate Effectively: Use simple, clear sentences, maintain eye contact, and be attentive to non-verbal cues. Avoid arguing or trying to correct misconceptions, as this can lead to agitation.
  7. Manage Difficult Behaviors: Instead of confronting challenging behaviors, try to identify the root cause. For instance, aggression might stem from pain, discomfort, or frustration. Addressing the underlying issue can often resolve the behavior.
  8. Take Care of Yourself: Caregiver burnout is real. Ensure you’re setting aside time for self-care, whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or simply taking breaks. Consider respite care services if you need a temporary reprieve.
  9. Seek Professional Help: As the disease progresses, you might need additional help. Consider consulting with geriatric care managers, social workers, or medical professionals who specialize in dementia care.
  10. Plan for the Future: Discuss and document your mom’s wishes regarding medical care, finances, and end-of-life decisions. This can provide clarity and direction as the disease progresses.
  11. Stay Connected: Even as dementia advances, find ways to connect with your mom. This could be through music, old photos, or simply holding her hand. Cherish the moments of clarity and connection.

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Many resources and communities can offer support, guidance, and understanding as you care for your mom with dementia.

Open communication is crucial, both with the dementia patient and other family carers. As dementia progresses, it not only affects the individual but also impacts the entire family dynamic. 

Conversations can become challenging, emotions can run high, and misunderstandings can arise. However, with patience, empathy, and the right approach, these conversations can be constructive and supportive.

Discussing Dementia with Family and Friends

It’s essential to keep family members informed. Sharing updates, concerns, and even small victories can foster understanding and support. 

When discussing dementia with family and friends, it’s beneficial to:

  • Educate Them: Provide them with resources or literature about dementia. This can help them understand the condition better and set realistic expectations.
  • Share Personal Experiences: Sometimes, sharing personal anecdotes about your parent’s behavior or progress can help others relate and empathize.
  • Set Boundaries: Let them know when it’s a good time to visit or how they can assist in caregiving. Setting clear boundaries can prevent unintentional stress or disruptions.
  • Seek Their Input: Especially if they are close family members, their perspectives and feelings matter. They might offer insights or solutions you hadn’t considered.

Conversations with Your Parent

Approaching topics like setting boundaries, financial planning, or even discussing the possibility of moving to an elder care home requires sensitivity and respect. 

When communicating with your parent:

  • Choose the Right Time: Initiate conversations when they are most alert and calm. Avoid times when they might be tired or agitated.
  • Be Direct but Gentle: Use simple and clear language. Avoid jargon or complex explanations that might confuse them further.
  • Listen Actively: Sometimes, they might express fears, concerns, or wishes. Listen actively and validate their feelings.
  • Involve Them in Decisions: As much as possible, involve them in decisions about their care. This can give them a sense of control and dignity.
  • Use Visual Aids: For complex topics, like financial planning, visual aids like charts or diagrams can be helpful.

Final Thoughts

Being a caregiver, especially to a parent with dementia, is undoubtedly hard work. But with the right resources, support, and understanding, it’s a journey that can be navigated with love and resilience.

Remember, every day is a new step, and seeking help, whether from family, friends, or professionals, can make all the difference in your caregiving journey.

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