Caring for an elderly parent who is verbally or emotionally abusive can leave you feeling drained, alone, and unsure of what to do.
In this video, I share real-world tips from my experience as an OT and as a family caregiver to help you set boundaries, protect your well-being, and get the support you need.
Read the article associated with this video here.
What You’ll Learn in This Video
- How to set emotional and physical boundaries with an aging parent
- What’s behind the abusive behavior (and why it might not be your fault)
- Simple language to de-escalate a tense conversation
- Why guilt keeps you stuck, and how to release it
- Where to turn for support and practical help
Transcript
🔔NOTE: I altered the original transcript from the video so that it’s easier to read.
00:00:01 Hello everyone, this is Esther Kane with SeniorSafetyAdvice.com. Thank you for visiting our channel, and welcome!
Today’s topic is aimed at family caregivers, well, all caregivers, really, but especially family caregivers. It’s a personal topic for me: abuse from older adults towards their family caregivers.
We all know about elder abuse. It’s a serious, very real issue. Abuse in any demographic is serious, let’s face it.
00:00:45 But what we don’t hear about as often, and I rarely read or hear discussions on—is abuse of family caregivers by the older adults they’re caring for.
Now, this isn’t about changing the behavior of the older adult. That often doesn’t happen, depending on the root cause. The focus is really on you, the caregiver.
Think of it like dealing with an abusive teenager, an alcoholic family member, or a bully in your own home. If you’re dealing with mental health issues, whether it’s narcissism or sociopathic behavior, the burden usually falls on the person being abused.
00:01:21 That’s who I want to talk to today, because it’s the person being abused who has the power to change the situation. You can’t necessarily change the abuser, but you can shift how you experience and respond to what’s happening. Especially when the abuser is older and the behavior stems from something unchangeable, like cognitive decline.
00:02:00 Before I get into that, don’t forget to subscribe, click the like button, and leave a comment. Let me know what you’re going through.
I’ll be sharing some of my personal stories, as well as insights from my professional experience as an occupational therapist. I’ve worked with many families navigating this kind of dynamic, where the older adult was abusive, emotionally or physically.
It’s eye-opening to see both sides: as someone who has been personally affected, and also from the outside, as a clinician.
00:02:30 So first: Why is this happening? What causes this kind of abuse?
There are many possible factors, cognitive decline, dementia, Alzheimer’s. In those cases, the abuse may not be intentional. It’s not that they’re trying to be mean, they just don’t know how to be kind anymore. Maybe they never did.
00:03:05 If that’s the cause, then you cannot change the behavior. Instead, you, the caregiver, must change your own responses.
Other causes might be depression, isolation, frustration, fear… Aging brings unfamiliar pain, uncertainty, fear about the future. Maybe they’ve lost their driver’s license or had to accept in-home care they don’t want.
These emotional and psychological changes can manifest as anger or aggression.
00:03:40 never felt before Oh my God is that a heart attack you know or why is my head hurting you know all kinds of issues that are happening uh Angry that you can’t you know do things anymore like you used to or as quickly as you’re used to uh all kinds of issues are coming up especially if you lose your driving uh privileges if you all of a sudden have to have somebody come into your home and you know to take care of you or the house you may not like that you may be fighting it all kinds of emotional
00:04:12 And if there are deeper mental health conditions, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, OCD, severe anxiety, or depression, those can make someone more likely to lash out.
Sometimes, it’s just their personality. Narcissism, sociopathy, those traits often don’t change. My late husband was a psychologist, and we used to argue about this. He believed people can change. I disagreed. I believe the core personality stays the same. I’ve never seen it change, and I’m in my late 60s.
00:04:47 core personality is the core personality that’s not going away I have yet to see that happen in my lifetime and I’m in my later 60s so yeah I I I haven’t seen that um all right so what are the tips what can I tell you on how to deal with someone if you are in this situation where you are being emotionally abused or physically abused by someone that you are caring for uh you know a family member an aging parent Uncle grandparent whatever the very first thing I can tell you is to set boundaries that’s one of
00:05:23 So what can you do if you’re being abused, emotionally or physically, by someone you care for?
The first step is to set boundaries. That’s what I had to do with my own mother. I told her, “I’m here for you. I’m living with you in case you need me.”
She was very independent until the day she died, and I was thankful for that. But it also meant she had her wits about her, and could still belittle her children, just as she always had.
00:06:03 So I created boundaries. I worked from 10:00 to 5:00 every day in a separate part of the house. I saw her during lunch and breaks. That was it. If I had to take her to an appointment, of course, I made exceptions. But otherwise, those hours were my time.
If you can do something similar, great. If not, seek respite care. Ask volunteers from your church or community. Join a support group.
Do whatever you can to get physical space from the person, even for a few hours.
00:06:36 If you can’t get away physically for a while, then find other ways to create space. Respite care is a great option. Reach out to your community, maybe there are volunteers from your church or neighborhood who can help.
Join a support group. Find out what others in similar situations are doing. Ask how they’re arranging for respite care. Anything you can do to be away from the abusive situation for a little while can help.
If your loved one needs someone physically present, consider hiring help, even for just a few hours. It’s important that you get a break.
00:07:14 You can also use monitoring cameras to keep an eye on your loved one without being in the same room. My mom took naps during the day, which helped me feel safe stepping away.
Set verbal boundaries too. For example: “I won’t talk to you if you’re yelling.” If they yell, walk away. Put on headphones. Let them get it out, but don’t participate in the abuse.
If they become physically combative, talk to a geriatric care manager, social worker, or physician. Maybe medication can help. Maybe engaging them in more outside activities will reduce the tension.
00:07:49 If they’re physically combative, you absolutely need to reach out for professional support. Talk to a geriatric care manager, a social worker, or their physician.
There might be medical interventions that can help, maybe a medication adjustment, or activities that engage them more outside the home. Even something simple like a routine change can sometimes make a difference.
You want to explore what’s available in your community that can support you. That’s why I believe support groups are so important. Other people in the group may have already walked through what you’re going through, and they might have solutions you haven’t thought of.
I can almost guarantee you that many of them are facing similar situations. This is far more common than people realize. But because of guilt or shame, many caregivers don’t talk about it.
00:08:22 This is where support groups become so valuable. You’ll meet people going through the same thing. You’ll hear solutions that worked for others, things your doctor or local resources might not have told you.
And don’t feel guilty for admitting your loved one is abusive. Don’t feel ashamed. It may be something they’ve always done, but now it’s worse. I call it the “more-so disease”, whoever you were at 40, you’re more so at 80.
00:08:53 I’ve seen this play out thousands of times, with my patients and in my own family.
It’s what I call the “more-so disease.” However someone was when they were younger, they often become more so as they get older. If they were kind, they might become even more gentle. But if they were critical or harsh, that part can intensify with age.
My mother had a way of making us feel very small. And as she got older, it just got worse. I truly don’t believe she meant to be mean, she just didn’t know how to be kind. For whatever reason, that’s how she communicated.
00:09:32 So how do you handle emotional or verbal abuse? Personally, I say: stay quiet. Let them rant. Let them rave. Pop in your earbuds and tune it out. Create a buffer around your peace.
I know that’s easier said than done. That’s why I believe in therapy. Support. Friends. Family. Anything that reminds you: this is not about you. It’s about them. Their fear. Their pain. Their confusion.
00:10:16 Sometimes, their mood can change in an instant. You might be having a normal conversation, and suddenly they’re yelling or crying. It can feel like emotional whiplash.
For many older adults, especially those with cognitive changes, they may not even understand what they’re feeling. They don’t know if it’s sadness, fear, frustration, or pain. They just know something doesn’t feel right, so they lash out.
This is very common, more common than people realize. And definitely more common than your aging loved one likely realizes.
00:10:48 One technique that can sometimes help is called the broken record method. It’s simple: you repeat the same calm statement over and over again.
For example, when my mother would start yelling, I’d calmly say, “I’ll be here when you’re calm.” That’s it. Just that one sentence.
And I’d repeat it, five, six, even ten times. Eventually, she’d walk away, frustrated that she couldn’t provoke a reaction. Maybe that’s what she wanted. I’m not really sure.
But this approach doesn’t always work for everyone. In some cases, it can actually make the other person even angrier. So you have to read the situation carefully and decide what works best for you.
00:11:23 When my mother would yell, I would calmly say, “I’ll be here when you’re calm.” Over and over.
“I’ll be here when you’re calm.”
“I’ll be here when you’re calm.”
Sometimes I had to repeat it five, six, even ten times.
Eventually, she’d give up and walk away, frustrated that she couldn’t get a reaction out of me. Maybe that’s what she was looking for, a fight, a rise, some emotional charge. I don’t know.
But here’s the thing, sometimes this method works, and sometimes it can make the other person even angrier. So you really have to gauge the situation and decide if it’s helpful or if it’s escalating things further.
You always, always want to focus on de-escalating the situation.
00:11:55 The goal should always be to de-escalate.
That might mean walking away, literally removing yourself from the situation. Imagine being at the grocery store and your elderly parent starts yelling about which cereal you picked. Just stop, put everything back, and leave the store.
Go home. Grocery shopping is over. You can order what you need later through Instacart or another delivery service. Or have someone else stay with your loved one next time so you can shop peacefully.
00:12:28 The key is not to engage. Don’t yell back. Don’t fuel the fire. That only makes things worse.
You’re not going to “win” by trying to overpower them emotionally. It just creates chaos.
That’s why I strongly recommend personal counseling for caregivers. It helps you manage your own stress and avoid making emotional decisions in moments like these.
00:13:01 I know, trying to stay emotionally detached is almost impossible when the person yelling at you is your parent, spouse, or someone you love deeply.
But if you make decisions based on emotion, things rarely go well. In fact, I’ve never seen it end well.
That’s why it’s often easier for an outside professional, like a social worker, geriatric care manager, or physician, to step in. They’re not emotionally entangled in decades of family dynamics the way you are.
00:13:44 Of course, clinicians still care about their patients. But they don’t carry the same emotional weight you do as a family member. And that distance gives them a better ability to respond calmly and strategically.
Now, when it comes to emotional abuse, you can usually protect yourself by setting boundaries, like I mentioned earlier.
00:14:20 But physical abuse is different. It can come out of nowhere.
I remember moments when my mother would throw things, and I had to duck quickly to avoid being hit. That’s not something anyone should have to deal with.
If that’s happening, talk to professionals: a social worker, elder law attorney, physician, or someone from a local support group.
Hopefully, you won’t need to involve the police, but if it comes to that, your safety must come first.
00:14:59 And remember, if your loved one lives with you, it’s not just about protecting yourself.
You need to protect your children, your spouse, your pets, your whole household.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking: Is it time for my loved one to live somewhere else? Maybe the family environment itself is contributing to the abusive behavior.
00:15:36 That might mean moving them into a memory care unit, assisted living, or another facility where they can get the support they need.
Now, I know cost is a huge issue. My mother-in-law’s care during her final two years cost $26,000 a month. I get it, it’s a lot.
But there are more options out there than you might think. You just have to start researching and asking around.
00:16:19 The best way to learn what’s available in your area is to join a support group.
Other caregivers can share what’s worked for them. Maybe they’ve found a great doctor who specializes in dementia-related behavior. Maybe they know a social worker or someone at the local Department of Aging.
You won’t know what resources are out there until you talk to people who’ve been in your shoes.
00:16:53 Because if you keep trying to handle everything on your own, it’s going to take a toll on you, physically, emotionally, mentally.
Especially if you’re the only one caring for this person. If you have siblings who aren’t helping, that builds resentment fast. You’ll start to feel like you were left to clean up a mess while everyone else went on with their lives.
00:17:30 Trust me, I’ve worked with thousands of families in these situations during my 12 years in geriatrics. It’s never easy, and it rarely ends well unless something changes.
So protect yourself. Protect your family. Protect your peace.
You may not be able to do everything, but do what you can. Do your best to care for your loved one without sacrificing your well-being in the process.
00:18:09 I hope this information has been helpful. I’d love for you to share your experiences in the comments.
Let me know, are you going through this right now? What resources have helped you in your area?
And if you live in a rural community, I know it can be even harder to find support. But please reach out. Ask questions. If I can help, I will.
00:18:40 That’s why I make these videos, to help older adults age in place safely and independently, and to support the family caregivers who love them.
We’re all getting older. That part isn’t going to change. But we can change how we support each other along the way.
Take care, and don’t forget to subscribe, click the like button, and leave a comment below. I’ll see you next time.
More Help for Caregivers
If you’re navigating the emotional and physical challenges of caring for a difficult or abusive parent, here are some articles you might find helpful:
