What Should You NOT Say To Someone With Dementia?

When talking with someone who has dementia, words matter more than we realize. Certain phrases can unintentionally cause confusion, frustration, or even emotional pain. Knowing what not to say to someone with dementia helps you protect their dignity and create a calmer, more supportive connection.

It’s common to feel unsure about how to phrase things or worry about saying the wrong thing. That uncertainty can make conversations stressful for both you and your loved one. Thankfully, with a little guidance, you can learn to replace harmful phrases with supportive ones that ease communication and build trust.

Quick Rundown

Avoid phrases that highlight memory loss, like “Don’t you remember?”
Never argue, correct harshly, or force reality when it causes distress.
Speak with kindness, patience, and reassurance instead of frustration.
Use short, simple sentences that reduce confusion.
Focus on preserving dignity and emotional safety in every interaction.

With this in mind, let’s explore the phrases to avoid, and what you can say instead, that make conversations with someone living with dementia more compassionate and effective.

what not to say to someone with dementia 1

Common Phrases To Avoid With Someone Who Suffers From Dementia

When talking with someone who has dementia, certain phrases can cause confusion or upset.

Let’s look at some common things you might say without thinking, and why they’re best avoided:

“Don’t you remember?“

This question can make your loved one feel bad or anxious. They might know they’ve forgotten something, and being reminded of it can be upsetting. Instead, try giving them the information they need without pointing out that they’ve forgotten.

“I just told you that.”

Repeating yourself can be tiring, but try to be patient. Your loved one isn’t forgetting on purpose. Rather than saying this, simply answer their question again, as if it’s the first time they’ve asked.

I know, they’ve probably asked you the same question 101 times, but patience will have to be the key here. I’ll talk a bit more about how you can deal with repetitive questions.

“Oh no, she/he is dead.”

This can be really upsetting for someone with dementia. They might be reliving an earlier time in their life and mentioning someone who has passed away. Instead of correcting them, try changing the subject or talking about a happy memory of that person.

The idea here is that they are thinking about this person so talking about them may help. But of course, if you see that it agitates them in any way, then redirect to another topic.

“What? You are wrong!“

Arguing or correcting someone with dementia usually doesn’t help. It can make them feel frustrated or embarrassed. If what they’re saying isn’t harmful, it’s often better to go along with it or gently change the subject.

“Let’s get ready to go home.” (when they are home)

This is a tricky one. Your loved one might not recognize their current home and may be asking for a childhood home. Telling them they are home when they don’t feel like they are can cause distress. Instead, try to understand the feelings behind their words. They might be looking for comfort or familiarity.

“No, the car was red, not blue.“

When someone with dementia is recalling a story and they get a factoid in the story incorrect – no need to correct them – even if it impacts the story. Let them continue – let them tell it their own way.

“What do you want for dinner?“

Basically, giving anyone with cognitive decline open ended options is a very bad idea. You want to limit it to two options at the most. This makes it much easier for your senior loved one to make a decision.

“Her brain is on the fritz.“

Or any phrase in front of the aging adult with dementia that is derogatory about them. It can be humiliating and embarrassing. (and yes, I once heard a daughter say this about her mother right in front of her mother).

“Let’s make some breakfast, then go do some laundry and then we need to go to the pharmacy to pick up your medications.“

This is just too much information for someone with dementia to absorb. Keep your instructions extremely simple. Instead say “Let’s make some breakfast.” Then do that. After breakfast, “Let’s do some laundry.” Then do that. You get the picture.

Research shows that using simplified messages increases the likelihood of relevant communication and verbal responses from dementia patients. (source: National Library of Medicine)

Elderspeak – using patronizing baby talk. Instead use the principles of person-centered language.

Recent research has shown a correlation between the use of elderspeak (patronizing baby talk) and increased resistiveness to care in older adults with dementia.

What Is Person Centered-Language?

Person-centered language is a crucial aspect of communicating effectively with individuals who have dementia. This approach focuses on recognizing the person’s individuality, dignity, and worth, rather than defining them by their condition.

Key principles of person-centered language:

Put the person first, not the disease. For example, say “person living with dementia” instead of “dementia patient.“
Avoid labeling or infantilizing language. Don’t use terms like “demented” or speak to adults as if they were children.
Use respectful, adult language. Speak to the person as you would to any other adult.
Focus on abilities, not limitations. Highlight what the person can do, rather than what they can’t.

Examples of person-centered language:

Instead of “He’s a wanderer,” say “He likes to walk around.“
Rather than “She’s combative,” say “She’s expressing her needs.“
Instead of “feeding time,” say “lunch time” or “dinner time.“

Person-centered language helps maintain the individual’s sense of self and can improve their overall well-being.

By incorporating person-centered language into your communication, you can help preserve the dignity and individuality of your loved one with dementia.

This approach aligns with the broader concept of person-centered care, which is considered the gold standard in dementia care. (source: National Library of Medicine)

The goal is to keep your loved one feeling safe and respected. Even if what they’re saying doesn’t match reality, arguing rarely helps. Focus on their feelings rather than the facts they might be mixing up.

Why These Phrases Are Problematic

I want to go a little deeper into why these types of phrases can be a problem when talking to someone with dementia. Understanding these reasons can help you communicate better with your loved one.

Confusion and frustration for the patient.

Now, later on I’ll talk about what to say instead of these types of phrases but first, I want to help you to understand why communicating like this can cause problems and how that can impact your loved one with dementia and yourself as well.

When you use phrases like “Don’t you remember?” or “I just told you that,” it can make your loved one feel confused and frustrated. Dementia affects the brain in ways that make it hard to remember recent events or follow conversations.

Pointing out these difficulties doesn’t help them remember. Instead, it might make them feel bad about something they can’t control.

For example, imagine if you kept forgetting where you put your keys, and someone kept asking, “Don’t you remember where you put them?” It would probably make you feel upset or anxious, right? That’s how these phrases can make someone with dementia feel.

Potential to trigger emotional distress.

Some phrases can bring up strong emotions for people with dementia. Telling them that a loved one died years ago, for instance, can cause them to relive the grief of losing that person. For them, it might feel like hearing the news for the first time.

Also, arguing with them about what’s real (like saying “You’re wrong” or insisting they’re already home) can make them feel scared or angry. They’re experiencing a different reality, and challenging that can be very upsetting for them.

Undermining the patient’s sense of reality.

People with dementia often experience a different sense of reality than we do. Their brain might be taking them back to an earlier time in their life, or they might not recognize their current surroundings.

When we try to force them into our reality by saying things like “You’re wrong” or “Let’s get ready to go home” when they’re already home, we’re not respecting their experience. This can make them feel misunderstood, anxious, or even make them trust us less.

Understanding these problems can help you avoid them. Remember, your loved one isn’t trying to be difficult. Their brain is changing, and they need our patience and understanding.

Impact of Inappropriate Communication

When we don’t communicate well with someone who has dementia, it can have big effects on their well-being and behavior.

Let’s look at three main ways that using the wrong words or phrases can impact your loved one:

Increased agitation and anxiety.

Using phrases that confuse or upset someone with dementia can make them feel more anxious or agitated. When they don’t understand what’s happening or feel like they’re being criticized, it can be very stressful for them.

For example, if you keep reminding them that they’ve forgotten something, they might start to feel worried or frustrated. This anxiety can show up in different ways. They might become restless, start pacing, or even try to leave the room.

Decreased trust in caregivers.

When we say things that make our loved ones with dementia feel bad or confused, it can hurt the trust between us. They might start to see us as someone who makes them feel uncomfortable or upset, even if we don’t mean to.

Think about it this way: if someone often made you feel bad or confused, would you want to spend time with them or let them help you? Probably not.

The same is true for people with dementia. If our words make them feel bad, they might become less willing to accept our help or talk to us.

Potential exacerbation of behavioral symptoms.

The way we talk to someone with dementia can actually make their symptoms seem worse. When people with dementia feel stressed, confused, or upset, they might show more of the difficult behaviors that often come with the disease.

For instance, if our words make them feel anxious, they might:

Become more forgetful.
Have trouble focusing on tasks.
Get angry more easily.
Want to wander or leave the house.
Have trouble sleeping.

These behaviors aren’t anyone’s fault. They’re part of how dementia affects the brain. But the way we communicate can either help keep these behaviors under control or make them happen more often.

What To Say Instead

Now that we know what not to say, let’s talk about better ways to communicate with your loved one who has dementia.

These strategies can help make your conversations more positive and less stressful for both of you.

Validation techniques and redirection methods.

Instead of correcting your loved one, try to understand and validate their feelings. Then, gently guide the conversation to a more positive topic.

For example, if they say they want to go home when they’re already home:

Validate: “I can see you’re feeling uncomfortable right now.“
Redirect: “Let’s go look at some family photos.”

Validate: “It sounds like you’re feeling a bit anxious. That’s understandable.“
Redirect: “Why don’t we have a cup of tea in your favorite chair?”

Validate: “I hear that you’re missing a familiar place. That must be tough.“
Redirect: “How about we listen to some of your favorite music together?”

Validate: “It seems like you’re looking for something comforting right now.”
Redirect: “Would you like to help me water the plants in the garden?“

This approach shows you care about their feelings and helps move the conversation in a helpful direction.

A 2022 study published on the National Library of Medicine found that 81% of validating communication by caregivers consisted of affirmations and positive feedback, highlighting the importance of supportive language

Using simple, clear language.

Keep your words simple and your sentences short. This makes it easier for your loved one to understand and respond.

Instead of: “Don’t you remember we’re going to the doctor’s office this afternoon for your annual check-up?“
Try: “We’re going to see Dr. Smith today at 2 o’clock.“

Instead of: “It’s time for your medication regimen.”
Try: “Here are your pills for the morning.”

Instead of: “Would you like to partake in some physical activity?“
Try: “Let’s go for a short walk outside.”

Instead of: “I’ve prepared a nutritious meal for your dinner.”
Try: “Your favorite soup is ready. Let’s eat.“

Clear, direct language helps reduce confusion and makes communication easier.

Focusing on feelings rather than facts.

When your loved one says something that isn’t accurate, try to respond to the emotion behind their words instead of the facts.

For instance, if they talk about a deceased relative as if they’re still alive:

Instead of: “Mom, Dad passed away 5 years ago.“
Try: “You must really miss Dad. What’s your favorite memory of him?“

If they’re upset about a lost item: Instead of: “You gave that watch to your grandson last year.”
Try: “That watch meant a lot to you. Let’s look at some photos of you wearing it.“

Instead of: “It’s not time for breakfast, it’s nearly dinnertime.”
Try: “You’re feeling hungry. How about we have a small snack now?“

Instead of: “You retired from that job 20 years ago.”
Try: “Your work was very important to you. Tell me about what you enjoyed most.“

This approach acknowledges their feelings without causing distress over forgotten facts.

Avoiding arguments and corrections.

It’s usually best not to argue or correct someone with dementia. Even if what they’re saying isn’t true, arguing often just leads to frustration on both sides.

If they insist on something that isn’t right:

Instead of: “No, that’s wrong.“
Try: “That’s interesting. Tell me more about that.” or simply change the subject to something pleasant.

Instead of: “Nobody’s stealing from you. You just misplaced it.”
Try: “I see you’re upset. Let’s look for it together, and then we can have a nice cup of tea.“

Instead of: “You have to do this. Stop being difficult.”
Try: “I know this isn’t your favorite thing. How about we do it together, and then we can watch your favorite show?“

Instead of: “That never happened. You’re remembering it wrong.”
Try: “Wow, that sounds like quite a story. Hey, did I tell you about [change subject to something positive]?“

The goal isn’t to be right—it’s to keep your loved one feeling calm and respected.

Using these strategies might feel strange at first, but with practice, they can become natural. They can help create more positive interactions and reduce stress for both you and your loved one.

By focusing on validation, clear language, emotions, and avoiding arguments, you can make your conversations more enjoyable and meaningful.

How To Deal With Repetitive Questioning

Here are 10 basic tips on how you can manage the constant repetitions.

Listen actively.
Understand the source of their anxiety.
Acknowledge their feelings.
Offer alternatives or solutions.
Be patient and understanding.
Join caregiver support groups.
Seek professional help if needed.
Take time for self-care.
Set clear boundaries.
Connect with others in similar situations.

You can read more in our article that touches on this issue.

Non-verbal Communication Techniques

Okay, so let’s talk about non-verbal communication techniques. These are super important when talking with someone who has dementia.

Sometimes, how we say things matters even more than what we say. Paying attention to non-verbal cues can greatly improve communication.

Maintaining eye contact

Looking at your loved one when you talk to them is really important. It helps them focus on you and understand that you’re talking to them.

Here’s how to do it right:

Get on their eye level. If they’re sitting, sit down too.
Look at them directly, but don’t stare. It should feel natural and friendly.
If they seem uncomfortable with eye contact, try sitting side-by-side instead.

Remember, good eye contact shows you’re paying attention and care about what they’re saying.

Using appropriate touch

Gentle touch can be very comforting for someone with dementia. It can help them feel connected and cared for.

Some good ways to use touch:

Hold their hand while talking
Give a gentle pat on the arm or shoulder
Offer a hug if they’re comfortable with it

But remember, not everyone likes to be touched. Watch how they react and respect their preferences.

Paying attention to body language and facial expressions

Your loved one might have trouble saying how they feel, but their face and body can give you clues.

Things to watch for:

Are they smiling or frowning?
Do they look tense or relaxed?
Are they leaning towards you or away?

Your body language matters too. Try to look relaxed and friendly. Smile when it’s natural. Avoid crossing your arms, which can make you seem closed off.

Here’s a helpful tip: Match your facial expression to the emotion of what you’re saying. If you’re talking about something sad, don’t smile. If you’re saying something happy, let your face show it.

Using these non-verbal techniques can really improve your communication.

How Can Non-Verbal Communication Improve Relationships With Dementia Patients?

Non-verbal communication can significantly improve relationships with dementia patients by helping caregivers connect and interact more effectively, even as verbal communication skills decline.

Here’s how:

Non-verbal communication, like facial expressions, gestures, and gentle touch, becomes increasingly important as dementia progresses and verbal skills diminish. (source: Semanticscholar.org)

These non-verbal cues can:

Help express emotions and intentions when words fail.
Provide comfort and reassurance to your loved one.
Maintain social connections despite language barriers.

For example, a warm smile or a gentle hand on the shoulder can convey care and support without needing words.

This approach allows caregivers to:

Reduce frustration for both the person living with dementia and caregiver.
Create a more positive and calming environment.
Strengthen the emotional bond, even when verbal recognition fades.

By focusing on non-verbal signals, caregivers can pick up on their loved one’s needs and feelings, leading to better care and a stronger relationship.

Creating a Supportive Communication Environment

Creating the right setting can make talking with your loved one who has dementia much easier. Let’s look at how to set up a space that helps you communicate better. Using environmental cues can be very helpful in this process.

Minimizing distractions.

Too much noise or activity can make it hard for your loved one to focus on what you’re saying. Here’s how to cut down on distractions:

Turn off the TV or radio when you’re trying to talk.
Pick a quiet room for important conversations.
If you’re in a busy place, try to find a calmer spot.
Put away phones or other devices that might interrupt.

When there’s less going on around them, your loved one can pay attention to you better.

Ensuring proper lighting and sound levels.

Good lighting and the right amount of noise can really help:

Make sure the room is bright enough. This helps your loved one see your face clearly.
Avoid harsh lights or dark shadows. Soft, even lighting works best.
If your loved one has trouble hearing, try to reduce background noise.
Speak clearly, but don’t shout. Loud voices can be confusing or upsetting.

Many older adults have some trouble seeing or hearing. Good lighting and sound control can make it easier for them to understand you.

Using visual cues and reminders.

Sometimes, seeing things can help more than just talking about them. Try these ideas:

Use hand gestures when you talk. If you’re asking about a drink, pretend to hold a cup.
Show objects when you mention them. If you’re talking about lunch, point to the food.
Put up signs or pictures around the house. A photo of a toilet on the bathroom door can be helpful.
Use a big, clear calendar to show the date and upcoming events.
Incorporate sensory stimulation to enhance understanding and engagement.

Visual aids can help your loved one understand better and feel more in control.

A study in the Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease found that using visual aids can improve communication and reduce agitation in people with dementia.

Setting up a good space for talking takes some work, but it’s worth it. It can help your loved one feel less confused and frustrated, making your conversations more enjoyable for both of you.

Know that every person with dementia is different. Pay attention to what works best for your loved one, and be ready to change things as their needs change over time.

Adapting Communication as Dementia Progresses

As dementia progresses, the way you talk with your loved one will need to change. Let’s look at how to adjust your communication for each stage of dementia.

Adaptive communication is crucial as the disease advances.

Early-stage communication strategies.

In the early stages, your loved one might:

Have trouble finding the right words.
Take longer to respond in conversations.
Get frustrated when they can’t express themselves.

How you can help:

Be patient. Give them time to find their words.
Offer gentle prompts if they’re struggling.
Listen carefully and show you’re paying attention.
Avoid finishing their sentences unless they ask for help.

Remember, they’re still the same person. Treat them with respect and include them in conversations.

Middle-stage adjustments.

As dementia moves to the middle stage, you might notice:

More trouble understanding complex ideas.
Difficulty following long conversations.
Increased confusion about time and place.

Try these approaches:

Keep your sentences short and simple.
Ask one question at a time and wait for an answer.
Use visual cues along with your words.
Be ready to repeat information calmly.

At this stage, your loved one might get facts mixed up. Focus on their feelings rather than correcting every mistake.

Late-stage communication approaches

In the later stages of dementia, your loved one may:

Speak very little or not at all.
Not always recognize family and friends.
Rely more on non-verbal communication.

Here’s how to connect:

Use touch, like holding hands, if they’re comfortable with it.
Pay close attention to their facial expressions and body language.
Speak in a gentle, calm voice, even if you’re not sure they understand.
Use all five senses to communicate – sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch.

Know that even if they can’t respond, your presence and gentle words can be comforting.

Changing how you communicate as dementia progresses can be challenging. It’s okay to feel frustrated sometimes.

How To Manage Your Own Frustrations: The Effects of Dementia On Caregivers

Caregiver burnout is a real thing. Don’t ignore it. Caring for someone with dementia can be exhausting. It’s okay to feel frustrated sometimes.

Here’s how you can cope:

Take deep breaths when you feel overwhelmed.
Give yourself short breaks throughout the day.
Join a support group to share your experiences.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help from family or professionals.
Practice empathy and compassion, both for your loved one and yourself.

Taking care of yourself is just as important as caring for your loved one. You’re doing a great job, and it’s okay to have tough days.

The most important thing is to keep trying to communicate, even when it’s hard. Your efforts to connect can make a big difference in your loved one’s quality of life.

If you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Support groups, doctors, and dementia care specialists can offer advice and support as you navigate these changes.

Caregiver support is essential in maintaining your own well-being while caring for someone with dementia.

Final Thoughts

Communicating with someone who has dementia can be challenging, but it’s a vital part of providing care and maintaining a connection with your loved one.

Remember these key points:

Avoid phrases that may confuse or upset, such as “Don’t you remember?” or “I just told you that.“
Use clear, simple language and focus on feelings rather than facts.
Employ non-verbal communication techniques like maintaining eye contact and using appropriate touch.
Create a supportive environment by minimizing distractions and using visual cues.
Adapt your communication style as dementia progresses through its stages.
Take care of yourself and manage your own frustrations as a caregiver.

By implementing these strategies, you can significantly improve your interactions and strengthen your relationship with your loved one.

Effective communication is about connection, not correction. Your patience, understanding, and effort in communicating can make a world of difference in the quality of life for someone with dementia.

Keep learning, stay patient, and don’t hesitate to seek support when you need it. Your efforts in mastering these communication skills are invaluable in providing the best care possible for your loved one.